


To Love A Broken Man

by Lemonbinnie



Category: Infinite - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 20:25:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7947835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemonbinnie/pseuds/Lemonbinnie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Myungsoo is in love, and Sungjong is scared of falling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The only thing sadder than unrequited love is being in a relationship where there is unrequited love. - Shannon L. Alder

 

Sungjong sighed and turned on his side, drumming on the mattress. Next to him, he could hear Myungsoo's soft breathing. In and out, in and out, in and out. It was a sound that was once so comforting to Sungjong, a sound that put him at ease and made him feel safe. But now it set him on edge. A sick feeling that swallowed him whole. A voice whispering in his ear, telling him that the end was near.

Myungsoo was a constant for Sungjong. They had grown up side by side. They'd made friends together and lost them. Myungsoo had held Sungjong as he cried, after his parents had yelled at him for coming out. Myungsoo had been the one who had consoled him after his first breakup. He was the one who had rubbed Sungjong's back the first night he got drunk and threw up in the bathroom. Myungsoo had been the one who listened to him when he had admitted he was scared of love.

Myungsoo was also the boy who Sungjong had opened his heart to, and let him in. Or maybe he had already been there. But Sungjong had felt so vulnerable around Myungsoo. He was the only person Sungjong couldn't lie to, or fake a smile and get away with it. Myungsoo knew Sungjong's darkest secrets and that scared Sungjong more than anything else.

And he had promised Myungsoo that he loved him. Myungsoo, the only boy who Sungjong could ever bring himself to truly love. Everyone else- of course he'd liked those other boys. But no one could ever make him breathless the way Myungsoo did. No one could render him speechless with just a smile and, oh god, Myungsoo's smile was the most beautiful thing that Sungjong had ever seen.

Oh dear Lord, Sungjong didn't want to hurt that beautiful boy. He didn't want to see that smile fade, or the light in his eyes die. He didn't want to break their promise of forever. But it was suffocating. He didn't know how to love. He didn't know how to keep this promise of forever when he was having these thoughts. Myungsoo was his best friend, his lover. But Sungjong wasn't sure that he could handle it. 

Lover  
The intimacy of the word made him shiver. Was it right to leave Myungsoo like this, still in love with him, and still hanging onto him the way he had for years and years? Or was it better to stay with him and live a lie? Which was right? Which was wrong? Sungjong didn't know, and all he wanted was to know how to say that he couldn't do this.

Myungsoo had given him so much. He'd invested everything in Sungjong. Everyone knew it, even Sungjong. Myungsoo was playing Russian Roulette with love and Sungjong was the gun. And now it felt like Myungsoo had put too much trust. Sungjong wasn't ready for this, for so much love. Myungsoo had given Sungjong so much more than he could ever return, and yet Myungsoo deserved it all, and more. Sungjong didn't know what to say, what to do. He had to live without Myungsoo, even if just for a bit. But he had no idea if Myungsoo could live without him. There was nothing Sungjong could give to Myungsoo, for he'd already given everything. He couldn't even give his love, because he didn't know if he even had any in him. And Myungsoo deserves more. 

In the end, Sungjong felt like he was too close, too close to the edge. Like he was dangling off the edge of a cliff and the only thing holding him was a single thread. And he desperately wanted to stay on the thread. He couldn't let go. If he did, he'd fall deep into Myungsoo and could never get back. And that was a chance that he couldn't take yet. 

He sat up and opened the drawer, pulling out a piece of paper and a pencil. His hand shaking, he started scrawling out a note to the man who slept next to him.

Myungsoo,  
I'm just going to start out blunt. I am so, so sorry. For everything. I acted as though I could have everything, though I know I can't have it all. And I wouldn't deserve it either way.   
I'm just scared. Of falling. Of being in love. I know I played with your heart, and I wish I hadn't. I could have and should have treated you better. You're so easy to love. Maybe that's why I started loving you. It wasn't easy with other people, but you've always been there and I already knew what I was getting myself into. Well, I thought I did. I was in over my head. I lead you on, and it wasn't fair to you. It wasn't right, and I knew it from the very beginning.   
But, you made everything so difficult. Everyone else, it was so easy to move past them, but you held me back and I was too scared. Fuck, that sounded horrible. You didn't hold me back in a bad way. I just wasn't ready to not know how to move on. And everything seemed to be right, we were happy and I could smile and laugh, and I had never seen your eyes brighter. But it was all wrong. I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't breath around you and I didn't know what to do. I've had a fair share of men who cared about me, but none as much as you. I'm so horrible, for doing this to you. I can't even tell you goodbye to your face, because I'm a coward. I tried, I tried to love you the way you deserve, but I couldn't.   
And I should have warned you, that if you loved me, and you stayed with me, I would ruin you. You mean everything to me. But I can't handle that. I just can't love you the way you deserve.  
It doesn't feel right, planning on moving forward while you're still stuck here. It's not fair is it, for me to do this to you. I didn't want to keep secrets from you, but I didn't know how to give you the love you deserve.  
I don't want to ruin you. I never want to see your eyes darken or see your smile drop. God, you need someone better than me. I'm a ruin, a mess, and I can't keep lying to you. I don't want to say goodbye to you. But I don't want to lie to you. So here I am, confessing my sins in a letter, like the coward I am.  
So please Myungsoo, forget me. Don't love me. Hate me, forget me, get over me. Because you deserve that so much. You gave me everything and I couldn't even love you enough to stay. I can't look you in the eye, because you're so much better. I don't deserve you, and I never did. And you don't deserve the hell I have put you through. I'm sorry you loved a broken person. Please be happy. At least try. You deserve that.  
I'm so sorry.  
Sungjong


	2. Chapter 2

Hunting hawks did not belong in cages, no matter how much a man coveted their grace, no matter how golden the bars. They were far more beautiful soaring free. Heartbreakingly beautiful.- Lois McMaster Bujold

Myungsoo's eyes fluttered open. For some reason, he felt cold. He rolled over, reaching out to lay his arm over Sungjong- only to find empty sheets. Myungsoo frowned and sat up. The sheets were cool, as if no one had laid there for a while. 

"Jongie?" Myungsoo called, frowning. There was no answer. A piece of paper was on the table. Myungsoo reached out and grabbed it. On it, in Sungjong's neat print, was Myungsoo's name. Myungsoo felt his heart drop into his stomach. With a shaking hand, he opened the letter and scanned the page. 

While reading, he felt his eyes start to well with tears. The more he read, the more his hands shook, and the more his eyes swam.

After he finished, he set the note aside and took a shuddering breath. Had he suffocated Sungjong that much? As much as the letter had said it wasn't his fault, he felt as though he should have never confessed to Sungjong. If he had kept his mouth shut, then Sungjong would never have been so suffocated and maybe they could have both been happy.

The letter hurt. Every word had been another stab knife to his heart. He wondered how long Sungjong had felt like this. How quickly it took for Sungjong to realize that he didn't love Myungsoo. Sungjong had always been a free spirit, and Myungsoo didn't blame him for resenting being tied down. The other people Sungjong had dated had been different.

He remembered Sungjong's first boyfriend, Lee Howon. Howon had been a nice guy, and Myungsoo had liked him just fine. But when Sungjong had told Myungsoo that Howon confessed he liked him, Myungsoo had felt a burning feeling. He had smiled and congratulated Sungjong. The only reason he could keep himself from hurting Howon was the sweet happy smile that had been etched on Sungjong's face. He had been so excited, saying that he really loved Howon and that it would last forever.

He had promised himself then, to never ever get in the way of any of Sungjong's relationships. To keep his feelings to himself. He'd rather slowly burn, loving Sungjong and not being loved back, then hurt Sungjong. If Sungjong was happy, then he could be happy. Even if Sungjong wasn't his, he'd be alright. 

But then he and Howon had broken up. Sungjong had cried for hours, blaming himself for the fight and swearing that he'd never fall in love again. Swearing that he would never be so stupid. And never, more than in that moment, had Myungsoo wanted to kill someone the way he had wanted to kill Howon. Deep down, he knew it wasn't just Howon's fault, but there was nothing he hated more than Sungjong crying.

He wondered, if he had confessed to Sungjong before Howon, then could he have maybe been loved? If he hadn't been a coward, would it have been different? He had been such a fool. A fool with a heart of gold, just hoping that Sungjong would realize he loved him. 

Then there had been other men. Sunggyu, Woohyun, Dongwoo, and more. Nothing had lasted, there had been no real love in any of those. Everything in Myungsoo's life had been for Sungjong. His heart just couldn't stop beating whenever Sungjong was there. He followed Sungjong like he was a puppy. And although he had never been the one for Sungjong, damn had he tried. His heart only knew Sungjong. He had never loved anyone else. The times they spent together, the damn love that had hurt him for so long. 

He had been selfish. He was greedy, trying to show Sungjong all his love and had tried to keep Sungjong all to himself. He hated himself for being like this, for this clinging obsession. He hated it, so, so much. All he wanted was Sungjong. All he wanted was to love him and hold him and to cherish him. But Sungjong hadn't been ready. And dammit, Myungsoo had known that.

He felt as though he had just dived off a cliff into a freezing, icy ocean. The past was everything to him, and he hadn't even bothered to look to the future. He was selfish and he hadn't realized how much he had hurt the boy he had only wanted to love. He felt like this had only been building, but he had been too blind to see it. They had come to a crash, and Myungsoo should have known it would end this way. Time had only been ticking for them. Myungsoo had wanted to break Sungjong's walls, and he had. He had set them aflame and watched them burn to the ground. But he had failed to see Sungjong burning within them. He had been so scared of loving that Myungsoo had become his worst nightmare. He had drowned himself in Sungjong and had forgotten to come up for breath. 

Sungjong must have felt as though he had been walking on broken glass, which were the shards of Myungsoo's heart. There was nothing else to say, no more amends to make. The glass had cut Sungjong's feet and made him bleed and Myungsoo had lost any common sense he'd ever had as soon as he had given Sungjong his heart. He knew he couldn't call Sungjong, or try to stop him. If he pushed Sungjong to stay, then Sungjong would pull him in and he'd fall again, into Sungjong's arms and Sungjong wouldn't have the strength to hold him, and the two would fall, off the earth and into an abyss, a deep chasm that Myungsoo had unknowingly created. 

Sungjong was part of Myungsoo. A piece of him he wished he didn't need, a piece he could give up without dying. He was Myungsoo's heart, his mind. Without him, Myungsoo didn't know what to do. He had chased after Sungjong for years, trying to hold onto something that was destined for freedom. It was like trying to hold a butterfly, keeping something beautiful and lovely trapped. He didn't know why he tried so hard to keep Sungjong to himself. If they were destined for tragedy, then why was Sungjong the only thing that kept him from sadness? If their love had never meant to work, and the idea of them having a future together was insanity, then why could Myungsoo see the world clearly, only with Sungjong? Why was his clarity, his ground, his sky, everything that mattered to him, the only thing that he couldn't hold on to?

Why?


	3. 3

What Now?  
Author(s)Minniehan  
Published Mar 28, 2016  
Status Completed  
Tags myungjong x Add Tag  
Edit Bookmark Save (go offline) Report Content Make Readable a a a a Jump to Comments

 

And yet, because I love thee, I obtain  
From that same love this vindicating grace,  
To live on still in love, and yet in vain- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Sungjong knocked on the man's door, uncertainly. His backpack was slung over his shoulder and his eyes were red and puffy. 

He hated himself. He hated himself for leaving like that. By now, Myungsoo was awake and had seen the letter. By now, Sungjong had hurt the only person he'd never, ever wanted to hurt. And he hated himself for it.

The door opened to reveal a shorter man, with a thin face and dark hair. The man raised his eyebrows at the sight of Sungjong.

"Well." He said, crossing his arms and leaning on the doorframe. "Isn't this a surprise. 

"Hey Jokwon..."

"What brings you?" Sungjong swallowed.

"I... I fucked up." Jokwon sighed and moved from the doorway.

"Come in." He said. Sungjong walked in and surveyed the room. It wasn't much different than he remembered. Simple decorations, including a large couch and armchair. On the table was an empty pizza box.

"You can sit down." Jokwon said and Sungjong sank into the couch. He pulled off his backpack and set it down. "Want some coffee?" Sungjong shook his head. "Suit yourself." 

A minute later, Jokwon sat down next to him with a mug in his hand.

"So," he said. "What happened?" Tears started to fill in Sungjong's eyes again, but he willed himself to not cry.

"I hurt Myungsoo." He whispered. "He- he's loved me for so long, and he's given me so much, and he's done nothing but be good to me and I got scared- Jokwon I don't know how to deal with being loved like that! But I'm a disgusting person and I couldn't take it and I felt so suffocated and scared, and like I was lying to him, so I just... I- I wrote him a note, because my cowardly fucking ass couldn't even face him, and I grabbed my stuff and I just left and I came here and I don't know what to do, and I've probably ruined Myungsoo's entire fucking life and he deserves so much more, and he deserves everything I can't give him and I just-" And that's when he broke. It was like a cord inside of him had snapped and he became a house of cards, tumbling in on himself. He burst into tears and then Jokwon's arms were around him and he was whispering to Sungjong, trying to console him, even though both of them knew it was hopeless.

Tears streamed down his cheeks, and all he could think about was Myungsoo. His beautiful dark eyes, which shone every time he smiled. The little laugh that escaped him when he was surprised it caught off guard that he hated so much, but Sungjong had loved so dearly. His hands, and his long slim fingers that were rough and calloused from his guitar. His dark shaggy hair that was a constant mess and would fall over his eyes and grow even more until Sungjong would demand Myungsoo cut his hair. His crooked smile that made Sungjong's heart stop and his breath catch. 

The smile that he might never see again. The eyes that would become clouded with grief and pain from Sungjong's betrayal. The fingers that would shake, as though adrenaline was rushing through him, though it was the exact opposite that he'd be feeling. The laugh that might never sound again.

"Jokwon what do I do?" He managed to gasp out between sobs. He buried his face in Jokwon's chest, his years soaking the older man's shirt. He was holding onto Jokwon like a lifeline, just trying to keep himself grounded, even a little. Jokwon stroked his hair, his other hand pulled Sungjong closer.

"I don't know." He whispered. "I don't know, but I swear to God, I will help you find out."

Jokwon had always known that something like this might happen. That Sungjong might show up at his door, confused and lost and scared, but he hadn't expected anything on this level. And he hadn't ever expected Sungjong to have fallen so deeply in love with someone that he might resort to hurting himself so much because he was scared. Sungjong was selfish, and careless, but he had tried so hard to make people he loved happy. He had tried to fix himself on his own, without the proper tools, and had only succeeded in breaking himself more.

And Myungsoo... Oh God, poor Myungsoo. The boy had devoted every bit of himself into Sungjong. It had never been a good idea, loving someone who so quickly threw himself into things. Who had been broken so badly that it would take a miracle to fix him. Myungsoo had known, know the chances he was taking for Sungjong, but he hadn't been prepared to lose him. Myungsoo had tried so desperately to give Sungjong everything, but hadn't realized that Sungjong wasn't ready to receive it. 

The two were broken from the start. Two lovers who loved each other but didn't know how to love, and thus they couldn't last. 

And Jokwon just hoped that maybe the future could change that.

 

Myungsoo knocked on the door. He barely remembered walking here. He couldn't think straight, he'd just known he needed someone, something, that could pull him back to reality.

The door was opened by a tall, slender man, whose eyes widened as soon as he meet Myungsoo's blank stare.

"What he hell happened?" He asked, pulling Myungsoo into the apartment. Myungsoo didn't answer for a moment. Just let himself be dragged along by the older man.

"Sit." The man ordered and lightly pushed Myungsoo, so that he sat down on the couch behind him. The man sat next to him and looked at him expectantly. After a moment of silence, he spoke.

"Sungyeol..." Sungyeol raised his eyebrows, a worried look on his face. "What do you do when you lose the person you love most?" Sungyeol's mouth opened slightly, but he seemed at a loss for words.

"What happened?" He asked after a moment. Myungsoo stared at his shaking hands, which rested in his lap, clasped slightly.

"Sungjong's gone." He whispered.

"Gone... How?" Sungyeol asked and Myungsoo swallowed, blinking back tears.

"He left. I- I woke up to find a note with my name on it and I opened it and read it a-and..." His voice broke. "And he wrote that he couldn't handle it. He felt like he couldn't breath, and that he was scared and I-I just... Did I drive him away?" Tears had started to slip from Myungsoo's eyes, which were glassy and full of a sort of raw pain which Sungyeol had never seen before. "Did I suffocate him so much that I scared him into leaving?"

"No... No, Myungsoo I'm sure that's not it." Sungyeol grabbed Myungsoo's hand, but Myungsoo didn't even acknowledge him.

"He apologized so much but I can't help but feel it was my fault." Myungsoo's voice was cracked and choked and Sungyeol felt sick. He'd seen Myungsoo upset before, but not like this. "Hyung, he ran away because I shoved too much on him and he wasn't ready for it. I hurt him that much, and I was just so selfish, and I can't even-"

"Myungsoo. Stop. Stop blaming yourself. Sungjong wasn't ready, yes, but you didn't know. If he didn't tell you, then you couldn't-"

"I could've." There was almost a desperate sound in Myungsoo's voice. He met Sungyeol's eyes and Sungyeol felt his heart miss a beat. Myungsoo's normally calm eyes were wide and full of a terrifying desperation, a wild and almost primal look that scared Sungyeol. He looked scared and angry and sick and hurt and a hundred other feelings. It was such a human and personal look that Sungyeol felt like it was something he should have never seen. It was a look that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Sungjong had been Myungsoo's world. Sungyeol had known it the second he saw Myungsoo look at Sungjong. And even then, he had been scared that Sungjong would hurt Myungsoo. He had seen the way Sungjong spoke, and walked. The way he set his shoulders to show he wasn't scared. The forced pride on his face. He has reminded Sungyeol of an alleycat. Pretty, making smooth movements and stalking around like he owns the world, and yet the smallest thing could scare him away.

Myungsoo hadn't been ready. He would never have been ready for Sungjong being scared away. He had befriended the cat and gained its affection but one day he approached it too fast and scared it away.

"I could've." Myungsoo repeated. "I should've- I should've asked. Gone slower. I should have given him space, time, let him breath. But I didn't. Sungyeol, this is all my fault, I drove him away. The only person I ever loved and I just-" Myungsoo's voice broke again and he burst into tears. Sungyeol wrapped his arms around the younger boy, holding him, trying to keep him from falling to pieces.


	4. Fin

Souls soar high above reach,  
Hands extend but never touch,  
Words exchanged in dulcet tones,  
Tis a fated moment to understand one's truth,  
Time to let go.- Truth Devour, Wantin

Sungjong's head was pounding. Ever since he had left Myungsoo, he had been a mess. He couldn't feel anything but regret. He felt numb, lifeless, with only a burning regret for what he did. He hated that he was so selfish. He hated that he was so disgusting, so idiotic, and cowardly.

He spent nights trying to drink away his pain. But Myungsoo's smile would appear in his head and he'd down another shot. He'd hear Myungsoo's laugh and would order a glass of soju to drown it out. He'd see a man in the crowd who would look like Myungsoo, and then he'd need a strangers fingers skimming his body and kissing him as he tried to block the memory of Myungsoo's lips against him.

He wished he had never written the note. He wished he'd confronted Myungsoo, asked him for some space, some time. Myungsoo would have been understanding, he always was. Myungsoo would have let him go, and waited patiently for Sungjong to return.

What was that phrase Myungsoo used to quote?

Even before you touched me, I belonged to you; all you had to do was look at me. It was a quote from a man named Louis Glück, and Myungsoo had loved it.

He hadn't realized it in the past, but Myungsoo had been talking about himself. He had been the most selfless person, giving Sungjong everything and leaving himself nothing. He'd expected nothing from Sungjong, but Sungjong had hurt him anyways. Sungjong was a horrible person. A disgusting and terrible person.

He was walking over a bridge, heading back to Jokwon's, his head spinning and his heart hurting, when a person caught his eye. 

The person was turned away from him, their eyes on the river below them. But there was something about them... The set of their shoulders, maybe. The messy hair. The dark blue coat...

Sungjong felt his heart stop and suddenly it was hard to breath. As he stepped towards the person the earth seemed to spin faster around him while time seemed to stop. The two feelings contradicted each other but everything seemed both wrong and right. He was scared but he wasn't. He touched the man's shoulder. The man turned and suddenly everything seemed to stop.

Wide eyes met wide eyes and lips parted. In front of Sungjong was the man he loved. The man that had loved him unconditionally and would have given the world for Sungjong. 

For Myungsoo, it was as if he was dreaming. There was no way- it wasn't- it couldn't be. But it was. In front of him was the beautiful, broken man that he had loved his whole life.

"Myungsoo?" The silence was broken by Sungjong's hopeful whisper. Myungsoo swallowed.

"Sungjong." He said softly. 

And there they were. Like two stars, crashing into each other once again and exploding, creating galaxies and stardust and becoming brilliant again. They were like supernovas, caving in on themselves and then exploding outwards and making black holes which drew them towards each other, and brought them together to be beautiful again. 

Myungsoo's lips were still parted as he stared at Sungjong. Those eyes, they were still the most beautiful thing in the world to him. And they drew him in and once again he was lost in the man. Every bit of common sense just disappeared, and Myungsoo pulled Sungjong in and kissed his lips.

And in the end, there are some things people shouldn't talk about. Sungjong shouldn't talk about how he took the final step, the final plunge and how he trusted himself to Myungsoo in a way he never trusted anyone, for Myungsoo already knows what now lies at stake.

And Myungsoo shouldn't talk about everything he's given for Sungjong, because Sungjong already knows and is in pain for this. Myungsoo must let Sungjong learn to give back what he can without feeling as though he cannot repay Myungsoo, for Sungjong's love is all Myungsoo needs.

And sometimes you need to hold your smile. Keep your head high and not let yourself believe you are falling out of love with someone. No one is perfect, and love isn't easy. Myungsoo and Sungjong have tried so desperately to hold themselves together, just for this moment, so they can fall apart together. So that they can help each other pick up the pieces and heal each other.

And after Myungsoo pulls back from the kiss, he keeps tight grip on Sungjong's hands.

"Picture you are a ruler." He whispered. "At least of your own life. And even if your world crumbles, know that I will be your guardian and your pillar. I won't let you be hurt again." And suddenly, Sungjong feels it wasn't as deep a plunge as he'd thought.

For you can never say never. You never know who you will love or how broken they will be. Time and patience heal you. Sungjong still needs time, and Myungsoo knows it. And Myungsoo must learn to love himself too, and not blindly follow as he has, and Sungjong will help him.

Together they are children again. Giggling underneath the oak tee and promising they'll be best friends forever. And they are teens, taking each other's hands and making sure the other knows they understand them. And they're young adults, as they are now, falling apart and then being pulled together by each other, and the most fragile of string. And they will bind each other, and keep each other safe. And Myungsoo pulls Sungjong in and Sungjong holds him tightly and Myungsoo whispers to him once again.

"Don't let me go." His voice is desperate. And Sungjong hears everything. His fear, his hope, his love, and there is only one reply.

"Never."

 

Tis better to have loved and lost  
Than never to have loved at all- Alfred Lord Tennyson


End file.
